Friday, July 30, 2010

My Erotic Rock Collection

Yours is probably bigger. But. I'm ever so fond of mine.

This one my boyfriend gave me:

He found it whilst ocean kayaking off the West Coast. He got caught in an undercurrent and held underwater and thought for sure he'd die under there. But he didn't. He got out. And as he lay gasping for breath on the rocky shore, his bottom half still skirted in neoprene, his chest heaving, he spied it: a small, round, black rock with a hole in it.

When I met my boyfriend he wore that rock around his neck on a leather cord.

Later he gave it to me. "You can have it," he told me. "It's for you."

I followed that boyfriend to a city with a climate worse than Siberia's. We called it Winterpig. He worked in an office and I worked in our apartment, trying to make a go of freelance writing. I never made much money but I did find my voice in an important way. We loved ice-skating down the Red River, holding hands, but were homesick. We wanted hills and family and cool evenings. So we decided to move back West together.

On a fall day we went to Grand Beach where I found this in the sparkling sand:

"You can have it," I told my fiancee. "It's for you."

How about that detail on the tip? It looks like it was carved a long time ago and the top of it is quite polished and shiny as if it has been rubbed either a lot or just really vigorously along the, um... shaft.

Whether it's an ancient Indian artefact or just a rock that really looks like a schlong, I couldn't tell you.

I remember the day I found it in much detail though -- the golden light, the red leaves, the breeze and the vastness of the lake. How lucky I felt to find such a thing amidst all those kilometres of sand!

I can't believe how many years ago that was. This weekend we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I couldn't tell you how many times we've walked along a rocky creek bed or river bank together and handed each other a rock we've found.

Here's one:

So much has changed for us in the past 10 years and so much has stayed the same. Now we have children who toddle along trails and riverbanks alongside us and when we get home from outings we always have to empty our pockets of rocks. There's little piles of them everywhere on our shelves and our windowsills.

There's so many unremarkable ones, aren't there? But then one just grabs your eye, doesn't it? And you look at it closely and realize how lovely and rare and gorgeous it is! And you're so glad you really looked at it. And you just must take it home with you.

This one I'm going to hang on to forever and ever and ever.



  1. I have a few rocks I love, but none are erotic. And now I feel as if my life is very poor, indeed.

  2. I had a heart-shaped rock, but I have no idea where it is now. As a kid I kept my favorite rocks in an egg carton under my bed. I wonder whatever happened to those? Your rocks are VERY cool. If we were kids and I still had mine I would so want to trade you. A piece of greek marble for the donut rock?

  3. What I meant to say in this post but didn't exactly spell out is this:

    1) The rock with the hole in it is like, totally womanly! It is yonic. My hubby found it in the most unlikely spot and thinks it very precious.

    2) The dong rock is like, totally phallic. I found it in the most unlikely spot and think it very precious.

    Finding those rocks is like finding a mate - lucky, lucky, lucky! It's like those rocks sought each other out the world over and found eachother.

    Anyone can find a rock but finding one that is meaningful to you requires a certain sort of openess. Finding a mate is like that!

    3) The heart shaped rock is like finding true love! It's both ordinary and rare and we are so lucky to find such a thing!

    4) The last rock looks like a human heart. It remeinds me of how I hold my husband's heart in my hand because he gave it to me. It is a precious thing, to hold someone's heart in your hand... oh!

    I love my husband so much and feel incredibly blessed to have such a great marriage to such a rare and precious find!

    Subtlety never works out for me...


  4. And now I feel sad that I have only plain white river rock bought from Pier 1. How lame am I? I'm a little jealous of your awesome rock collection...Hey, here's a thought...You should shadow box them!

  5. Oooh I have a collection of stones and rocks that people have given me too, some of them from so long ago I get hazy about when and where they came from. My children are also constantly giving me random bits of gravel and flint that they find about the place. My handbag weighs a ton, groaning as it is with so many stones at the bottom!

  6. Whenever I walk along a rocky beach I can't stop looking at the rocks. I love how there are so many of them and some of them are the same and some are so different and some have an amazing resemblance to other things (like human genitals!). We have bags of them that the kids picked up (at least I pretend that it was all the kids). My daughter likes to decorate them. I like to hold one and smooth my thumb over it when I'm stressed. Great post. (and I totally got the hole with the rock in it).

  7. We are rock collectors at our house too. And I've never seen such an erotic collection of rocks before! My eye is always drawn to unusual shapes or beautiful colors. We have such a huge collection of rocks from the beach that one year we arranged them in a square plot of dirt into a "rock garden." I've also taken limestone from the lake where we cottaged as kids. I think out of the entire collection I only have one heart shaped one but it is precious indeed.

  8. i got your subtlety. hilarious & sweet.

    when i was 22 i took a trip w/ a guy friend that wanted more. on top of a mountain he gave me perfect triangle of a rock, pointing it to himself..saying something like, "this is the way to love". ugh. no. at 34, the carpenter that was pouring a cement step for me asked if i had any rocks i wanted to set in the step. somehow i found the triangle rock, pointed it towards the house (the carpenter too) and then about a year later i married the carpenter. lucky me for finally going the right direction.

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